My Immortal: A Commentary
by Larka Rinna Stubbs
Summary: Your typical My Immortal commentary, but with a slight twist. There are three of us, and we all know three is a lucky number. Yeah, right.
1. Introductions and a Vague Warning

Before we start with this craziness, here is an introduction and warning chapter.

For your pleasure and our sanity, we are using, with his permission, an edited version of _My Immortal_, edited by Evilkritter of Youtube. I highly suggest reading his story, _My Immortal Refined_, which is one of my favorite commentaries out there.

Unlike a lot of commentaries out there, this one will have three commentators: Penny, Larka, and Luke. For your viewing pleasure, we have decided to introduce ourselves.

Penny: If anyone cares to know, my profile on here is Penny Stubbs. There is a link on this profile to my single one. I will be your go-to girl for references Tara made without explaining, to hopefully save you guys from constant trips to Google. I'll also be explaining words that aren't exactly right. Those words that Tara misspelled, accidentally making another more hilarious word. I'm also the one that takes the mess that this story is on our Google Docs account and make it look nice and readable. I am one of those people that love _My Immortal_. I find it hilarious and take it light-heartedly most of the time. So don't expect any flaming of Tara Gilesbie from me. I'm glad she wrote this story of pure awesomeness.

Luke: I am a huge nerd, and proud of it. I'll make nerdy references, try to explain them, and hope someone else gets them. Unlike Penny, I may make the occasional flame at Tara, or just point out stupidity. I have a solo Fanfiction account, but I haven't used it in a long time, and it was full of fails, and thus, will not be mentioned. I am the sole male of the group. I read much more than I write, but in the event I ever get around to it, I have a couple of stories I'd like to fix up and get on Fictionpress. Also memes, many, many memes.

Larka: I tend to be very critical of writing styles. I don't believe in full out flaming, but I might do some accidental minor flaming. I also tend to make random little comments and many, many Star Wars references. My account on here is under the name Larka Rinna Luna, in case you cared. Not that you actually do. Just so you know, we completely relied on text messages and our chats here on Google Docs. I'm actually a city away from Penny and I don't know where Luke lives. Granted, the cities are about twenty minutes from each other and I'm not sure my dinky little town counts as a city, but hey, whatever.

We were never together while writing this story, at least not so far.

A warning from Larka: This story will give you severe headaches while melting your brain matter at the same time if you do not take frequent breaks. That's what I told my brother. I'm not sure he listened.

Penny: and with all this in mind, hit that special button and move on to chapter one.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Larka: I'm an editor so I find this absolutely appalling to the English language in every sense. I wonder if she was doing it on purpose.

**AN: Special fangz (get it, 'cause I'm goffik) to my GF (ew, not in that way) raven,****  
><strong>**bloodytearz666 for helping me with the story and spelling. You rock! Justin, you're the love of my depressing life, you rock too! MCR rocks!**  
><strong><br>**Larka: Poor Justin.

Penny: For those who don't know, MCR stands for My Chemical Romance. They are known most famously for their songs "Teenagers" and "Helena."

Luke: I think you'll find that Raven/bloodytearz666 didn't help enough. You'll also find that the first author's note is a little hypocritical, specifically the "ew" in relation to a homosexual relationship, but I don't want to give any spoilers._**  
><strong>_  
><strong>Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia<strong>**Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reach my mid-back, and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if you don't know who she is get the h*ll out of here!).**

Larka:I would, but it was my idea to do this commentary.

Penny: Dementia is a chronic disorder of the mental processes due to brain injury or disease. Limpid means clear.  
><strong><br>****I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major f*cking hottie.**

Penny: To save some of us from a trip to _Google_, Gerard Way is the lead singer of _My Chemical Romance_, and incest is frowned upon in most modern day societies.

Larka: I believe that incest is illegal in most countries at the moment. So if you were related to him, that sentence would be wrong in so many ways_._  
><strong><br>****I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.**

Luke: Ha, nonsense

**I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England**

Larka: Scotland

**where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen)**

Larka: Are you sure?

**I'm a Goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black.**

Luke: You need fret not Goths, she's actually "goffik."  
><strong><br>****I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.**

Larka: Did Great Britain even have Hot Topic in the 1990s? On second thought, was Hot Topic even in the Americas in the 90s?

**For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.**

Larka: You have white foundation over pale skin? I don't think the foundation is necessary. Also, red eye shadow with black eyeliner makes you look tacky. And the rest of your outfit- I could go on for days.

Luke: Isn't she unnaturally pale already, being a vampire and all? Does she even say that? Like a paragraph ago?

Penny: Well, we can't assume all vampires are pale. That would be racist or mythical creature-ist?

Luke: They have no blood! Logic dictates they are therefore pale; even _Twilight _got that one right.

**I was walking outside Hogwarts.**

Larka: Finally, we're getting somewhere.

Luke: Don't count on it

**It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.**

Larka: That's good. If it was snowing and raining and also sunny then someone had better call the weather man cause someone screwed up.

**A lot of preps stared at me.**

Larka: That is understandable. You are walking around in the snow and rain in almost nothing. I would stare at you too.

**I put up my middle finger at them.**

Penny: Yeah, I put middle finger up at random people as I walk by too. It's a natural reaction.

**"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was** **…**

Larka: The dramatic pause is completely unnecessary.

**Draco Malfoy!**

Penny: When she does the ellipsis (the "…") does anyone else think of _A Very Potter Sequel_when Sour Grape Snape goes: "To train their new seeker…. Draco Malfoy!"

**"What's up Draco?" I asked.**  
><strong><br>****"Nothing." he said shyly.**

Larka: Draco's shy? Draco Malfoy is shy? Since when and why wasn't I told?

Penny: Draco is very shy around Mary Sues. I have found a trend.

Luke: I have found a sock.

**But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.**

Larka: That's it?

Luke: Since when does she have friends in the fic?

**AN: Is it good? PLZ tell me, fangz!**

Luke: Get it? Instead of thanks? Because she's goffik. Is it clever? Maybe, but don't get used to it; this is as clever as she gets.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**AN: Fangz to bloodytearz666 for helping me with the chapter! BTW preps stop flaming my story ok!  
><strong>  
><span>Penny:<span> I wouldn't consider myself a prep, therefore she's not talking to me!

Luke: I'm a nerd, so I don't know what she's talking about.

**The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again**

Penny: Houston, we have a problem.

**I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **

Larka: That is disgusting.

Penny: I do that every morning too, right when I awake from my coffin.

Larka: I like you, so I'm not disturbed by that statement.

Luke: I'm not disturbed because I know her and have gone through the same morning ritual a few times myself. I had to stop though; the coffins where awful on my back.

**My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.  
>I got out of my coffin and took off my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.<strong>

**I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**  
><strong>My friend, Willow (AN: Raven this is you!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)<strong>

Penny: Next time I write a story and I put a friend in, I'm gonna say: LUKE THIS IS YOU! OMG!

Luke: YAY!

**"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.**

**"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.**

**"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.**

Larka: You can't go directly from the Slytherin Common room to the Great Hall. Not unless you have an elevator in the dungeons.

Penny: I can confirm that. The Slytherin common room is in the dungeons, nowhere near the Great Hall.

Luke: You have to keep looking at the elevator, it moves when you're not watching it.

Larka: I hate elevators. I'm afraid of them. I got stuck in one one time.

Luke: Much like Nuclear Power Plants, they're completely safe, unless something unexpected happens, in which case, all bets are off.

**"No I so f*cking don't!" I shouted.**

Penny: Someone's a little defensive today. It must be war time! Prepare your missiles! There will be much bloodshed!

Luke: And in the bloodshed, the author was killed. And there was much rejoicing

Penny: You do know that was a period joke, right?

**"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.**

Larka: As opposed to what? Sliding? Sledding? Doing the Electric Jive? Let's just be glad he wasn't rolled in on a gurney. Or maybe we should have hoped for that.

Penny: Let's not be mean to Draco. It's not his fault he was a main character in this horrendous story. He is merely a victim.

**"Hi." he said.**

**"Hi." I replied flirtatiously.**

Penny: This is a very intriguing conversation.

Larka: Is 'flirtatiously' even a word?

**"Guess what." he said.**

**"What?" I asked.**

**"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.**

Larka: _Good Charlotte _is a muggle band- An American muggle band playing in HOGSMEADE. Also, I listen to Good Charlotte and I am not gothic, or 'goffik'.

Penny: They allow muggle bands in Hogsmeade all the time. And someone should really tell Ebony that _Good Charlotte _isn't even gothic. Or goffik for that matter.

**"Oh. My. F*cking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.**

**"Well… do you want to go with me?" he asked.**

**I gasped.  
><strong>


	4. Chapter 3

Larka: Hi guys. So, since our story hasn't been updated in a while, I decided (with permission) to update. I left all the comments that were there when we were writing it. Penny usually edits some out. As you can see, I comment a LOT. At this point, I'm actually farther ahead than the others. You'll figure that out once we get to chapter nine though.

Now on with the story!

**Chapter 3.**

**AN: Stop flaming the story preps, OK? Otherwise fangz to the goffik people for the good reviews! Fangz again raven! Oh yeah, BTW I don't own this or the lyrics for Good Charlotte.**

Larka: That's probably a good thing too.

**On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels.**

Larka: Please tell me it was more than just that.

**Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather mini-dress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms.**

Larka: Hmmm. Not better, but better.

**I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then,**

Larka: Just randomly, out of the blue

**so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book**

Penny: She was reading Breaking Dawn, a story that successfully kills every good thing Twilight had, which wasn't much in the first place.

**while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.**

Penny: GC stands for Good Charlotte.

Luke: She's a vampire, she has no blood of her own, thus, cutting herself would do nothing but waste the blood she took the time to eat earlier.

Larka: Vampire's don't bleed. Felt the need to point that out. Even though the person before just did. He beat me to it. :(

**I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner.**

Larka: Is this like her usual outfit?

Penny: It really annoys me when authors capitalize words for emphasis. I feel a little hypocritical saying that since I used to do it all the time, but it still really annoys me.

**Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.**

Larka: But she put some on earlier.

**I drank some human blood, so I was ready to go to the concert.**

Larka: Still really gross.

Luke: And now she would have reason to put on the foundation.

Larka: But she didn't. So now she actually has coloring but is wearing nothing to accent it. Does this make sense on any level?

**I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.**

Penny: Yeah, Draco loves muggle stuff. That's why he calls Hermione a mud-blood

Larka: He might just be in love with Hermione. So he calls her names, like Ron did.

Luke: No, he's in love with Ebony, or Enoby, or however she actually spells that.

Larka: Poor dude.,

**He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot of kewl boys wear it ok!).**

Penny: I find it funny that she feels the need to defend herself putting eyeliner on Draco. I find it even funnier that Draco is wearing eyeliner.

Larka: I find it funny that the guys of this story in general, wear make-up. And they're all bi too.

Penny: Don't reveal the plot! Some people might be reading My Immortal for the first time! We want it to be a surprise!

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

**"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.**

Penny: And that my darlings, would explain so much.

Larka: Yes, yes it would.  
><strong><br>**Luke: What drugs? Was she smoking LSD? Cocaine? Morphine? Roofies? Some kind of non-smokable wizard drug?

Larka: Where would they get these things at HOGWARTS (in Scotland and purely wizarding) or HOGSMEADE (also in Scotland and purely wizarding)?

**When we got there, we both hopped out of the car.**

Penny: I must ask, did they land the car, or did they just hop out while it was still in the air?

Larka: I can see that happening. 'AHHHH! [thump]'

**We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.**

**"You come in cold, you're covered in blood**  
><strong>They're all so happy you've arrived<strong>  
><strong>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom<strong>  
><strong>She sets you free into this life." sang Joel<strong>

Penny:This Joel she's referring too, if you couldn't guess, is the lead singer of Good Charlotte.

**(I don't own the lyrics to that song).**  
><strong><br>**Luke: Thank Arceus for that.

Larka: Yes indeed. Whose Arceus?

Luke: The "god pokemon" I say that because it was a horrible idea, and I like to point out fails when and where I see them.

**"Joel is so f*cking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.**

**Suddenly Draco looked sad.**

Larka: Because he realized Ebony was totally superficial and he should be with my best friend?

**"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.**

Penny: Do not tell Draco you find a guy hot. He will kill that person if he wants you bad enough. Some women find this sexy. I am one of those women.

Larka: I'm not.  
><strong><br>**Luke: I'm not a woman.

**"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.**

**"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.**

Larka: *shivers* I don't like this Draco. He's disturbingly possessive and dating Ebony.

**"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary f*cking Duff. I f*cking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.**

Larka: Hilary Duff. Now there's a name I haven't heard in a long time. A long time. (No, she's not me.) Thank God.

Luke: Another conspiracy theory down the drain...

Penny: Draco's blond, or did she change that too?

**The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees.**

Penny: There are so many things that make no sense in that paragraph, but I'm just gonna leave it at that. This Benji she is referring to is Benji Madden, Joel Madden's twin brother and guitar player for Good Charlotte.

Luke: Where'd the butter beer go? And what about not serving alcohol to minors?

Larka: Apparently, the word 'illegal' is not in Ebony's vocabulary.

**Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into…theForbiddenForest!**

Larka: Talk about anti-climactic.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4.  
><strong>**  
><strong>**AN: I said stop flaming ok! Ebony's name is ENOBY not Mary Sue ok!**

Penny: Ah, Enoby- always very classy.

**Draco is so in love with her that he is acting different! They knew each other before ok!**

**"Draco!" I shouted. "What the f*ck do you think you are doing?"**

Larka: That's actually a very good question.)

**Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.****  
><strong>  
><span>Penny<span>: He didn't land the car. He just walked out. Draco Malfoy R.I.P.

Luke: Sadly, they both appear to be completely unharmed

Larka: Dang. I was hoping for a happy ending.

**"What the f*cking h*ll?" I asked angrily.**

**"Ebony?" he asked.**

**"What?" I snapped.**

Larka: Why is she so mad? What reason could she possibly have for being mad at him?

**Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)**

Penny: As oppose to using magic?

**which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness **

Larka: I thought he was a good guy in this story

**and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.**

Penny: Just as Tamaki Suoh says, to charm a princess your eyes must be filled of sorrow and evil.

Larka: He said that?

**And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.**

Luke: Poorly placed suspense dots are poorly placed. This has been a message from the Department of Redundancy Department

**Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.**

Larka: Does one not usually take off a bra when starting the mating prosess?)

**Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.**

Larka: Is that really how people mate these days? Man, am I behind the times or what?

Penny: What she is really trying to say is, he put his llama into her microwave. This is for those who misinterpreted that as something else going on.

Luke: Why would they be naked to put the llama in the microwave? And how big is this microwave?

Larka:*Laughing hysterically. Can't breathe*

**"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. **

Penny: You get an orgy when you put llamas in the microwave? You are easily aroused.

**We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….  
><strong>**  
><strong>**"WHAT THE H*LL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERF*CKERS!"**

**It was…Dumbledore!**

Penny: Who else would break into laughter if you ever heard Dumby yell that? Hands up!

Luke:*raises hand*

Larka: *Still laughing. Manages to raise hand while falling off computer chair.*


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5.**

**AN: Stop flaming! If you flame it means you're a prep or a poser! The only reason Dumbledore swore is because he had a headache ok, and on top of that he was mad at them for having sex!**

Larka: Good. He's a normal adult. Sort of. Maybe.

Penny: I love how headache goes before having coitus in the forbidden forest.

**PS I'm not updating until I get five good reviews!**

Luke: But she only has 3 friends, plus herself makes 4, where on earth did that 5th positive review come from? Could someone possibly like this? Or perhaps more terrifying, does she have siblings?

**Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.**

Penny: Not even going to comment on the lovely nonsense.

**"You ludicrous fools!" he shouted.**

**I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.**

Larks: Penny, want to do the meaning of 'pallid' for us?

Penny: Actually, she got that one right. Pallid can mean pale. Yeah, it surprised me too.

**Draco comforted me.**

Larka: It just hit me. They're still in their Birthday Suits.

Luke: They also left the car full of drugs and other Hogwarts contraband hovering there in the middle of the forest with the engine running

**When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry**.

Penny: I wonder what they're angry about, seeing as they have no clue what's going on?

Larka: I would like to point out that this is the one time she spells Professor McGonagall's name correctly.

**"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.**

Larka: I think that's supposed to be Dumbledore yelling. Maybe.

**"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.**

Penny: That needs to go in the hall of fame for awesome insults.

Luke: I concur

**"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.**

Larka: Go Snape. This is the one time I like him. Other than in the actual books.

**And then Draco shrieked. "Because I love her!"**

**Everyone was quiet.**

Larka: Why would they be quiet about this? It's not that shocking. In fact, it's almost expected.

Penny: Seeing as it's an "I asserted myself as the main character" kind of story, I'd say it's most certainly expected.

**Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."**

Larka: Dungeons are down stairs Snapy my boy. Learn, you should, where your house common room is.

Luke: Command it, Yoda does.

Penny: And no one's going to comment on the fact they just got out of trouble because Draco said he loves Enoby?

**Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.**

**"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.**

**"Yeah I guess." I lied.**

**I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels.**

Larka: 1.) Changed out of? You weren't wearing anything. 2.) Who wears full length dresses and high heels to bed? 3.) Vampires can sleep?

**When I came out…**

Penny: useless

**Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing "I Just Wanna Live" by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there.**

Penny: Look up the lyrics people. The song is not flattering in any sense of the word.

Larka: Personally, I'd shoot him. Or at least yell for a teacher.

Penny: or yell rape.

**We hugged and kissed.**

Larka: At least that's all you did. I don't remember anyone saying anything about condoms before.

**After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.**


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6****  
><strong>**AN: shut up preps ok!**

Luke: Nerds are free to continue talking. Sometimes not bring mentioned has its advantages.

**PS I won't update until you give me good reviews!**

Luke: And yet, for some reason, she updated anyways

Larka: Unfortunately, she follows my philosophy. Update for you, not for others. Follow this, she should not have.

Penny: That is a great philosophy.

**The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.**

Larka: This is against Hogwarts dress code. Then again, it's against the dress code at every school.

Luke: She didn't even change out of her other clothes; she just put these ones on over her other clothes. Also, she spray-painted her hair _with_ _purple_!

Larka: With purple what? Purple pants? Purple bowcasters? (I am such a geek for even suggesting that last one. I scare myself sometimes.)

Luke: No, just purple. Purple was there, helping her spray-paint her hair an undefined color.

**In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.**

Luke: The metallic taste of blood makes that sound very unappetizing. But she's a vampire, so why even bother with the cereal?

**Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.**

**"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up because I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that it was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick.**

Larka: More male make-up wearers. There's something wrong with this school.

**He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forehead anymore.**

Penny: Yet again, the contacts? Are they really necessary when you can use magic?

Larka: We haven't even been introduced to him yet. How do you know that there was a scar there in the first place?

**He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent.**

Larka: He hasn't spoken yet either.

**He looked exactly like Joel Madden.**

Luke: A short trip to Google images confirms they look nothing alike.

Larka: That's a relief.  
><strong><br>****He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him**

Larka: I think there's supposed to be a sentence break here.

**kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **

Larka: If you say so.

Penny: I'm going to assume, considering the rating, that I won't need to explain what she's talking about here. And the fact that she doesn't seem to know, makes me question the author's age.

**"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.**

Larka: Now Harry's shy too?

Luke: Shhh! We're not supposed to know who it is yet!

**"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.**

**"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.**

Larka: And Harry used to be cool, until Ebony/Enoby got a hold of him. Poor Harry. I feel so bad!

**"Why?" I exclaimed.**

**"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.**

Penny: Yeah, I love the taste of human flesh. That's why everyone calls me cannibal.

**"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.**

**"Really?" he whimpered.**

**"Yeah." I roared.**

Larka: Enoby has anger issues.

Penny: I always imagine Enoby turning into Simba here.

**We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.**

Penny: Well that was uneventful chapter.


	8. Chapter 7 Bring Me To Life

**Chapter 7. Bring me to life**

Penny: Did anyone else notice that this chapter has a title?

**AN: Well ok you guys I'm only writing this cause I got 5 good reviews. And BTW I won't write the next chapter until I get ten good ones!**

Luke: Who in the hell keeps giving her good reviews? Did she have a bunch of dummy accounts to give herself positive reviews?

**Stop flaming or I'll report you!**

Larka: It's not illegal to flame.

**Ebony isn't a Mary Sue ok she isn't perfect she's a Satanist! **

Larka: What does her religion have to do with anything?

**And she has problems, she's depressed for god's sake!**

Penny: Why is she depressed? I don't remember this ever being explained. Please do tell.

**Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings**

Penny: I have no clue what these Satanist sings are? Anyone want to clarify?

Luke: Probably pentagrams, but I'm not really sure.

**on my nails in red nail polish (AN: see, does that sound like a Mary Sue to you?). **

Luke: Mary Sue applies more to personality, or lack-there-of.

Larka: And yes, she does.

**I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes.** **I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.**

**Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…**

**We started frenching passively**

Penny: Well isn't that seductive. The best kisses are done passively, don't you think?

Larka: Can you passively French Kiss someone?

Luke: And then, completely un-provoked, I made waffles.

**and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.**

**He felt me up before I took off my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine**

Penny: He put his opossum into her refrigerator.

Luke: What happened to the llama?

Larka: And the mircowave?

**and we HAD SEX. (see, is that stupid?)**

Luke: Yes.

Larka: I second that motion.

**"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm**

Larka: You always do.

Penny: What is it with her and putting animals into kitchen appliances?

**when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm **

Larka: There should be some kind of punctuation here.

**It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words…Vampire! **

Larka: That's only one word.

**I was so angry. **

Larka: Why?

**"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.**

Larka: Making waffles is not un-provoked. THIS is un-provoked.

Luke: NO, THIS IS UN-PROVOKED: NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN  
>NYAN)<p>

**"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.**

**"No, you f*cking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"**

Penny: Wow, that was not only offensive but quite hypocritical.

**I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked.**

**He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care.**

Penny: Random comment

**I stomped out **

Larka: you can't stomp out of everything dear.

**and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.**

Larka: Some other people who were so totally un-important that she never felt the need to tell us what house they were. They could have been first year Quesledore's!

Penny: or jigglypuffs!

**"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERF*CKER!" I yelled**.

Penny: Plug your ears jigglypuffs!

Larka: Those poor Quesledore's just had their eardrums blown out of their skulls. And he's not a motherf*cker, Mace Windu is.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8.**

Larka: Her friend bloodytears666 is not Raven. Raven actually appears to be a decent writer and this bloodytears666 person is horrible, writes pretty much the same as Tara here.

Also, a word to the wise for people who write like this; the people who say they like your story and find it hilarious, they're laughing at you, not with you.

**AN: Stop flaming ok! If you do then you are a prep!**

Penny: Dang it, she found out my secret identity. I am Brittany

Luke: I'm not a prep, I kept flaming.

Larka: I was told not to.

**Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.**

**"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.**

**My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. **

Larka: Definatly not the right word.

**She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes **

Larka: Are goffick people just born with red eyes?

**like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on.**

Larka: And the last half of that sentence made none [sense].

**She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.**

Larka: Irrele(Luke: phant). It doesn't have anything to do with elephants.

**Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch **

Larka: We'll assume it's her mother that's the witch.

**but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed.**

Larka: If she was kidnapped but didn't remember it then she had to have been really young, so she wouldn't have nightmares about what she couldn't remember.

**It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger.**

Larka: Another irrelephant.

Penny: Random character change, why didn't she just make an OC?

**(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )**

Larka: I'm not even going to comment on the irregularities of that statement.

Penny: Racist! Or Religion/Houseist?

**"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!"**

Penny: Another one for the record books people

Larka: Go Snape! Go Snape!

Luke: Goooooooooooo SNAPE!

**Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.  
><strong>**"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.  
><strong>**Everyone gasped.**

Larka: Hold it, back up. Vampire cheated on her? I thought Draco was dating her, not Vampire-Harry. Harry's to nice to cheat on anyone. And people were surprised by this?

**I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me.**

Larka: Woah! Okay! Back up again. We switched from Ebony to some one else without appropriate warning. I wonder who we are forced to listen too now. Maybe Vampire.

**I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony)**

Larka: That's news to me. We weren't informed of this before because...? (P.S. 'Went out'. Me thinks he meant 'gone out'.)

**for a while but then he broke my heart.**

Larka: Such is love, my friend. Such is love.

**He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy f*cker.**

Larka: This is the first time we've heard of this Britney chick.

**We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)**

Penny: So this sentence makes me imply that when you dated Vampire, he wasn't goffik yet. Oooh, don't tell Enoby. She'll flip you off for no reason

Larka: To be honest with you, I've never met you before.

**"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.**

**"Yeah f*cking right! F*ck off, you bastard!" I screamed.**

Larka: Are we back to her now? I think so.

**I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility (?) to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.**

Penny: Virility: the masculine property of being capable of copulation and procreation. So basically Enoby lost her ability to make sperm.

Larka: I would feel bad, but I really don't. Ebony must be a hermaphrodite.

Penny: That reminds me of Friends where Ross reveals that he started the rumor about Rachel being the hermaphrodite in High School. I loved when Chandler asked. "You were that hermaphrodite cheerleader?"


	10. Chapter 9

Hey, Larka here with the next chapter! Thanks for the reveiws and the favorites.

Chapter 9.  
>AN: Stop flaming ok! I didn't read all the books!<p>

Luke: Woah, seriously? No way!

Larka: We can tell.

This is from the movie ok, so it's not my fault if Dumbledore swears!

Larka: But he didn't swear anywhere! What movies are you watching?

Luke: I don't think she watched any of them

Besides I said he had a headache!

Larka: That's irrelephant!

And the reason snap

Larka: Snap?

Penny: Snap! Crackle! Pop! Rice Crispies!

doesn't like Harry now is cause he's Christian and vampire is a Satanist! MCR ROX!

Larka: You really didn't read the book or watch the movies. It explains the dislike between Harry/Vampire and 'Snap' just fine. And since when is 'Snap' a Christian?

Luke: More importantly, who the hell is the "Snap" person?

I was so mad and sad.

Larka: Oooo! Enoby made a ryhme!

I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me.

Luke: What was that supposed to be? Forgive him for? Or believe he was?

I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

Larka: That's one dirty tree.

Luke: They did the tree? When did the tree come in? When they put the llama in the microwave?

Penny: Yes, I'd bet if you'd look closely enough, you will still see that poor poor little lama. Pobrecito

Then all of a suddenly, a horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose

Larka: And did I mention he didn't have a nose?

(basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was…

Larka: Insert Darth Vader theme song.

Voldemort!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice

Larka: Why should you be scared? You CAN'T DIE!

but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

Larka: They need to come up with some better curses.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him.

Penny: Insert ridiculous amounts of laughter from PotterHeads all around the world.

Larka: That's Hermione's cat. Although it does make sense. Cat's are the guardians of the underworld in Egyptian mythology. Voldemort should be scared of them because he doesn't want to die.

Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.

Larka: I guess the cat got his eyes.

I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"

Larka: One.) What's up with the whole 17th century speak? Two.) How does he know Harry changed his name?

Luke: He probably stalks all of them.

I thought about Vampire and his sexy eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.

Larka: Joel Madden is being used as her playtoy. I feel sorry for whoever he is.

Penny: Joel Madden is the lead singer of My Chemical Romance and he looks nothing like Daniel Radcliffe or Tom Felton, thank god!

I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

Larka: I would have thought of this waaaaaay sooner.

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.  
>Voldemort gave me a gun.<p>

Larka: They've got wands!

"No! Please!" I begged.

Larka: Sense you don't seem to be Imperioused, you still have you free will.

Penny: Wait! Hold up! He hands you the gun and you're begging for your life. I repeat you have the gun!

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-you're-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly.

Larka: How does Telekinesis help him to know what's going on at Hogwarts?

Penny: Ha, that makes no sense. Slow clap for Enoby

"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.  
>I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.<br>"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"  
>"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit)<p>

Larka: No.

Luke: Insted of a cross, because she's goffik, and oh-so clever. It's a pun, get it? Because she's a Satanist? These are the jokes people.

between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked.  
>"No." he answered.<br>"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

Larka: While you walked? Is that even humanly possible?


End file.
